"We're Not Who We Oughta Be...But...
We're Not Who We Used To Be!"
These words were a frequent reminder to our congregation...given to us by our dynamic preacher/teacher. I first heard him give this proclamation about twenty years ago...while attending his church. He preached in a T.D. Jakes style...with that great sense of "urgency"...wanting his flock to pay attention to the details of how God was "growing us" one day at a time! "My, My, My, My, My Oh MY!" he would say...just look at us NOW! (referring to: "look where we've come from"!)
When this dear Pastor performed Gerry's and my wedding ceremony on April 18, 1992...there were tears streaming down his face...as he told the 90 guests in the pews..."I know these two...Jana from Chicago and Gerry from Montreal...and I know the mountains they have had to climb." It felt like an outpouring of "God's Grace" ...like words that Jesus would have spoken to us in His Mercy!
I had told "Rev. C" ...as he was lovingly nicknamed by many of his church members...that I'd had more than my share of weddings...(see my testimony re: my life as a modern day version of the Samaritan woman from John 4) and THIS time ...I wanted a "VICTORY CELEBRATION"...to show the world what God can do with two "broken" people! Truly, it felt like that's what we had! There were not many guests who got through our ceremony with dry eyes. I thought my heart would jump out of my chest with joy and excitement! There were other signs of God's Grace exhibited on that occasion...I like to call them "signatures of God".
Truly, We had come to a point where we were fully awake and finally aware of the MERCY and GRACE of God...and we were still (and never will be) "NOT WHO WE OUGHTA BE"....but we were also "NOT (nor ever will be) WHO WE USED TO BE!" We considered ourselves "walking miracles".
We could not have known on that wedding day that we would witness more miracles in our life together. It was six years later ...almost to the day...when we got the news of Gerry's terminal cancer diagnosis. He miraculously outlived the "two years to live" prognosis ...and for the next 9 years he enjoyed what looked like: "good health". He continued with the work God had assigned him in this world... bringing joy to kids as "Denee the Clown" and serving as a mentor to disabled kids in the school system. Then he caught a cold and the hidden battle raging in his body...took over...giving him a 4 month challenge that would deal him the final blow.
On April 18, 2007 ...as he lay in his hospital bed...losing the war with the "big C"...we renewed our wedding vows. It was our 15th anniversary...and 34 hours later, on April 20th, 2007,Gerry's wonderful heart beat for the last time. It was only a few hours before he made his final exit from this realm and his entrance to the next...when I saw Gerry suddenly sit up in bed...extend his arms to heaven...and with wide eyes and mouth dropped open.. reach up toward heaven! It was as if he'd seen a glimpse of what or whom he would soon be meeting! He slowly floated back to his pillow where he peacefully slept away without a struggle.
Miracles! I've seen them!
Thankfully, Gerry had kept a journal...which I can read often...to remind myself of his jouney with God. He'd written letters to family members even before he received the cancer diagnosis...asking for their forgiveness for things he had done that he was sorry for. He had nicknamed himself "The Kingman" ...a replacement for the self-image he'd written about in a poem penned in his twenties:
"The Man Who Never Was". Gerry experienced much healing for his broken spirit...and he knew the power of forgiving and being forgiven. He was capable of loving unconditionally and he constantly showered me with that love. Our matching wedding bands with 3 small diamonds became our "witnessing tool"...to represent: "Jana and Gerry with Jesus in the middle"! That was the miracle of our love!
Forgiveness is like the battery in the flashlight! God is "Ever Ready" to forgive us....and forgiveness is the "power" that makes it possible for HIM to shine His LIGHT on our path. He empowers us to make the changes that will "deliver us from evil" ...from the wrongs we have committed...the lifestyles we have fallen into...the self-destructive behaviors that bring terrible consequences.
CONSEQUENCES...however...are not always removed.
I live with the ripple effect of choices made long ago. It is not always easy! YET...I am no longer the woman I once was. I take no credit for the changes...the Glory belongs to God.
Still Imperfect? Oh, Yes! The pull of "sin" ("that which I don't want to do ...I DO!" said the apostle Paul) is ever present. But my appetite for it has diminished. I am a work in progress...just like the rest of God's "kids" and thankful for being "delivered" from much. I am also aware that "to whom much has been given /forgiven...MUCH IS REQUIRED"!
New Years' Resolutions!!
It's that time again...we make 'em and we break 'em!
So...I will simply ask for God's help to stay on His track for my life. To quote my late husband, Gerry, from the last entry in his journal: "I am willing...and I know YOU (God) will make me able!"
Amen!
