"We're Not Who We Oughta Be ...BUT...

"We're Not Who We Oughta Be...But...
 We're Not Who We Used To Be!"

These words were a frequent  reminder to our congregation...given to us by our dynamic preacher/teacher. I first heard him give this proclamation about twenty years ago...while attending his church. He preached in a T.D. Jakes style...with that great sense of "urgency"...wanting his flock to pay attention to the details of how God was "growing us" one day at a time!  "My, My, My, My, My Oh MY!" he would say...just look at us NOW!  (referring to: "look where we've come from"!)

When this dear Pastor performed Gerry's and my wedding ceremony on April 18, 1992...there were tears streaming down his face...as he told the 90 guests in the pews..."I know these two...Jana from Chicago and Gerry from Montreal...and I know the mountains they have had to climb."  It felt like an outpouring of "God's Grace" ...like words that Jesus would have spoken to us in His Mercy!

 I had told "Rev. C" ...as he was lovingly nicknamed by many of his church members...that I'd had more than my share of weddings...(see my testimony re: my life as a modern day version of the Samaritan woman from John 4)  and THIS time ...I wanted a "VICTORY CELEBRATION"...to show the world what God can do with two "broken" people!  Truly, it felt like that's what we had! There were not many guests who got through our ceremony with dry eyes. I thought my heart would jump out of my chest with joy and excitement! There were other signs of God's Grace exhibited on that occasion...I like to call them "signatures of God".

Truly, We had come to a point where we were fully awake and finally aware of the MERCY and GRACE of God...and we were still (and never will be) "NOT WHO WE OUGHTA BE"....but we were also "NOT (nor ever will be) WHO WE USED TO BE!"  We considered ourselves "walking miracles". 

We could not have known on that wedding day that we would witness more miracles in our life together. It was six years later ...almost to the day...when we got the news of Gerry's terminal cancer diagnosis. He miraculously outlived the "two years to live" prognosis ...and for the next 9 years he enjoyed what looked like: "good health". He continued with the work God had assigned him in this world... bringing joy to kids as "Denee the Clown" and serving as a mentor to disabled kids in the school system. Then he caught a cold and the hidden battle raging in his body...took over...giving him a 4 month challenge that would deal him the final blow.

On April 18, 2007 ...as he lay in his hospital bed...losing the war with the "big C"...we renewed our wedding vows.  It was our 15th anniversary...and 34 hours later, on April 20th, 2007,Gerry's wonderful heart beat for the last time. It was only a few hours before he made his final exit from this realm and his entrance to the next...when I saw Gerry suddenly sit up in bed...extend his arms to heaven...and with wide eyes and mouth dropped open.. reach up toward heaven!  It was as if he'd seen a glimpse of what or whom he would soon be meeting! He slowly floated back to his pillow where he peacefully slept away without a struggle. 
Miracles!  I've seen them!  

Thankfully, Gerry had kept a journal...which I can read often...to remind myself of his jouney with God. He'd written letters to family members even before he received the cancer diagnosis...asking for their forgiveness for things he had done that he was sorry for. He had nicknamed himself "The Kingman" ...a replacement for the self-image he'd written about in a poem penned in his twenties:
"The Man Who Never Was". Gerry experienced much healing for his broken spirit...and he knew the power of forgiving and being forgiven.  He was capable of loving unconditionally and he constantly showered me with that love. Our matching wedding bands with 3 small diamonds became our "witnessing tool"...to represent: "Jana and Gerry with Jesus in the middle"! That was the miracle of our love!

 Forgiveness is like the battery in the flashlight! God is "Ever Ready" to forgive us....and forgiveness is the "power" that makes it possible for HIM to shine His LIGHT on our path.  He empowers us to make the changes that will "deliver us from evil" ...from the wrongs we have committed...the lifestyles we have fallen into...the self-destructive behaviors that bring terrible consequences.

CONSEQUENCES...however...are not always removed. 
I live with the ripple effect of choices made long ago. It is not always easy! YET...I am no longer the woman I once was. I take no credit for the changes...the Glory belongs to God.

Still Imperfect?  Oh, Yes! The pull of "sin" ("that which I don't want to do ...I DO!" said the apostle Paul)  is ever present. But my appetite for it has diminished. I am a work in progress...just like the rest of God's "kids" and thankful for being "delivered" from much. I am also aware that "to whom much has been given /forgiven...MUCH IS REQUIRED"! 

New Years' Resolutions!!
It's that time again...we make 'em and we break 'em!
So...I will simply ask for God's help to stay on His track for my life. To quote my late husband, Gerry, from the last entry in his journal: "I am willing...and I know YOU (God) will make me able!"

Amen!

LET ALL MY WORDS BE SILENT ...LEST WE FORGET!

LET ALL MY WORDS BE SILENT...LEST WE FORGET!

IN ALL MY WRITINGS OF THIS DAY...
ONE THOUGHT LEFT OUT...FORGIVE, I PRAY!
THE LIVES OF THOSE WHO'VE KEPT US FREE!
FROM COAST TO COAST AND SEA TO SEA

THEIR LOVED ONES BEAR THE GRIEF SO DEEP
WE MUST REMEMBER WHY THEY WEEP
GOD BLESS THEM ALL...KEEP THEM IN YOUR HAND
THEIR LOVED ONES DIED TO PROTECT OUR LAND

REMEMBER ALWAYS THE ONES WHO DARED
TO FIGHT FOR US WHEN WAR WAS DECLARED
THEY PAID THE PRICE WE COULD NOT PAY
LEST WE FORGET...GIVE THANKS THIS DAY!

AND PRAY THAT WAR WILL CEASE TO BE
AMONG ALL PEOPLES...AND YOU AND ME
SEEK PEACE ON EARTH...AS NEVER BEFORE
WHICH OUR LORD WILL BRING FOREVER MORE  

WHO Would Miss YOU?

WHO WOULD MISS YOU?

The recent two week focus on 100 Huntley Street (Crossroads TV Ministries in Canada) of the tragic surge in teen suicides...has brought back the memories of my own thoughts of taking that action.  The first time I remember ...
I described in my last blog entry...at age 24...when I sat on a 12th story apartment window ledge (inside) and considered jumping because I thougth I was "too bad" to live any longer.  BUT thoughts of my 3 year old (nearly 4) son having to grow up without a mommie...changed my very ill mind...and instead of jumping I landed in the psych ward (for the first time). 

I did another stint in a Canadian psych ward at age 40.  Oddly, my daughter had just turned 4.  What was it about being the mom of a 4 year old...or was that co-incidence?  This time...I had no thought of taking my life...but knew I had to live differently.  My 4th marriage was on the rocks and every day was rocky! Still it took ten more years to make the change that was necessary.  By then I called myself "fifty, fat and finished"!  But it was just the beginning!

 Two days after leaving the psych ward... (after the second 2 week stay in 15 years)  I manaaged to report "on location" for a National Film Board docu-drama about:  YUP! Teenage suicide. I told the director who asked if I was up to the task of playing the mom of a victim... I'd been doing my homework during the past two weeks. I'd met kids in the psych ward who showed me the paddle marks on their chests...(from emergency efforts to revive them ...which thankfully worked in their cases).  I saw burn marks...cut off hair...and very hollow eyes peering out from their pale faces.  Truly, I learned first hand how those kids felt. They seemed to be drawn to me...and one asked the nurses if she could retrieve her curling iron from the lock up where they kept our belongings.  This 15 year old  wanted to do my hair and make me "beautiful".  I have so often wondered what happened to her and the other teens...and if "doing time" in that ward changed their wishes to die?

BUT TODAY...my question is:  "WHO WOULD MISS YOU?
I am a voice teacher and you might be shocked at the songs my students want to sing!  Among the list of bad material is a song with the lyrics..."If I die young...bury me in satin". 
My response to those kids...as young as 7...is "your Mom would be soooo sad to ever think of you dying this young...or before HER!"  But they don't seem to "get it" because they have a dark fascination with death ...as if it is the ultimate drama they could imagine participating in! I fear that many of them have no idea how REAL DEATH IS!

Beyond the tragedy of suicide...what about other misfortunes...accidents...illness...or ...in the case of us grandparents...old age...when the body just wears out!
Or when you've reached the point of no return as a battle weary soldier in this world of woes!

I have had fleeting thoughts of suicide at various stages of life...when I felt too overwhelmed to go on.  HOWEVER...my intense "fear of death" (likely from the hellfire and brimstone preaching I heard when I was growing up in the Methodist church) always "rescued" me.  I needed more time to "get right with God" before I made my departure!!!
Little did I know that there was NO WAY I could ever "get it right" unless I am covered by the blood of the Lamb...the son of God who came to build a bridge back to our creator...by taking on all our wrongs and mistakes and becoming the sacrifice for each of us.  

As a "thinking person"...the whole concept of my Creator making a way for a messed up woman like me to one day live with HIM in such a Holy place as Heaven for all Eternity...by sending Himself in human form to this world to teach us AND provide a substitute for having to pay for my own wrongs...doesn't make sense! This is why Jesus/Yeshua said..."unless you come as a little child...you'll never see the Kingdom".  No wonder I seek to be child-like!
Hopefully, not childISH! 

But...back to the question! Who would miss YOU (ME?)
I am convinced...my late husband, Gerry was right!
He said (paraphrasing Ecclesiastes) "I am like a blade of grass, and when I die, there won't even be a mark where I was"!  We had agreed on "no funeral"...since our families were either far away in miles...or in emotional connections. This proved to be totally true for me after he died...I might as well have died too...because they all disappeared from my life.  My daughter put it so well, "Mom, they said they loved him...but not enough to love the ONE (me, his wife) he loved!"  Gerry believed very FEW would miss him...and even if they did, they couldn't (or wouldn't ) communicate it to me...his widow. Five years later, I am still in shock...that none of his family members and very few of our friends are still in contact with me. IT IS LONELY!  GERRY...YOU WERE RIGHT!

As for YOU? Only YOU would know who would be devastated if the news of your death arrived...(well, realistically it is not IF but WHEN)  Parents?  Kids?  other relatives? co-workers?
church or community folks?  ANYBODY?

As for ME? I can think of only ONE person on the planet whose life would truly be impacted! That's my dear and faithful friend...who has become the "sister" I never had.  She is more a "sister" than any of my 5 sisters-in-law ever were.  My "sister friend"...and I are buddies on the journey of surviving painful childhoods, troubled adult lives...yet we share the joy of writing and clowning. We can make an ordinary day special by keeping company with each other.  We can handle the down times and ride high with the joyful moments!  We share our faith in the God of all Creation and Yeshua/Jesus our rescuer, redeemer and restorer.

AS for the REST OF 'EM?  Well, my kids are so busy they find staying in touch with me ..even by text or telephone...is a burden! I am good for loans or dogsitting...but otherwise...to them I am an obligation!  Thank God, at this point,  I am still an independent woman...working part time...and "coasting" through the "golden years" with an often tarnished attitude!  I can't help but long for a sense of "family"...and I miss the circle of so-called friends or acquaintances (as I've discovered most of them really were) to inter-act with. Some people have managed to keep their families in tact in this society...but those of us with divorces and estrangements (for what ever reasons) are "left behind" to face growing old alone.

When I sang in Care Centers (Centres...for the Canadians)
The nurses told me how important our visits were for the patients.  Apparently, many old folks never have a visitor...no family...no friends...and they live out their last days in isolation...other than what the facility provides for activities and companionship.  However, these lonely seniors are either too ill physically or mentally to care! 
Yet, I've seen them "come to life" with the music...tears, foot tapping, smiles, mouthing the words...trying to sing along with voices long ago stilled by sadness or dementia.

Would ANYBODY Miss me?   YES, for a few hours, or days, or maybe even weeks...but then life goes on for the living...and they won't mourn for long!  That's the way it is...when you're gone...out of sight...out of mind!  Unless you are a Michael Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, Princess Diana...etc.  You won't be remembered!  Graveyards are full of fancy headstones displaying names of people who once meant something to somebody...but not any more. Few even have time to refresh the wreaths on those final "resting places".   

STILL, PEOPLE ARE PAYING BIG BUCKS to put memoriums in the newspaper...even 25 or 50 years later...to tell the world they haven't forgotten their loved one.  This indicates there are still those who DO remember and they are willing to pay those big bucks to express their feelings in the newspaper.  Death continues to be the source of Life for many end of life businesses!

Did you ever hear someone say "I GET to go to a funeral?"
NO...they say: "I HAVE to go to a funeral!"  For this reason funerals are being replaced by "Celebrations of Life"!  I like that idea!  I had a private celebration of Gerry's life the day after he died to accommodate his daughter's plane reservation back to Ontario the following morning.  It was quick and tidy...complete with short speeches, my son-in-law read the 23rd Psalm for "GER" and fighting tears he added the comment that Gerry accepted him in spite of his "rough edges"  It was one of the lighter moments allowing us a chance for smiles and laughter. A pastor friend delivered an altar call sermon which irritated my kids and there were songs sung and played including one of Gerry's favorite tracks from my CD "He's Been Faithful To Me".  A few people sent lovely bouquets to decorate the room and the photo table and about 3 dozen of us shared tears and hugs. Then it was over! I never saw any of Gerry's Alberta family members again...nor did I continue to receive anymore e-mails or  phone calls from his family in Quebec, British Columbia or Ontario...that includes his daughter.  She has since given birth to a daughter and a son...and I do not expect to ever meet them. You were right, Gerry...when it's over it's over...for me too!
It was only "Till Death do us part!"

Don't bury me in satin! The whole casket thing creeped Gerry and me out...and the cost of traditional funerals is outrageous!  I spent more on Gerry's  obituary than the cost of his cremation. I have set aside an account to cover my own cremation...and for an obituary which I'll likely have to write myself...for the Edmonton Journal. 
My parents and grandparents are dead...my kids are occupied...and other than my "sister friend"...everybody is just too busy! So anything that matters... is NOW! I used to say to Gerry: "If they don't have time for you while you are alive...they sure won't miss you when you're gone!" 
 "you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free"...(but it may be painful)!

Back to Zorba the Greek who sang "Life is what you do while you're waiting to die"!  I have sung that lyric many times as a response to frustration with life situations.  It has brought laughter most times...but when I've sung it privately it's accompanied by tears!  Another song...a Burt Bacharach favorite from my old nightclub act asked the question: "What's it all about, Alfie?"  I still have no answer to that question but I still love the song!  (and I am still asking)

Who would miss YOU?  I hope there is somebody or even a whole lot of somebodys...who would grieve...mourn...AND CELEBRATE YOUR LIFE!  You came here with a PURPOSE...I hope you fulfill it...enjoy  it...are blessed and being a blessing!  If not yet...and you are still alive...and reading this: GO FOR IT!  DO SOMETHING to BE SOMEBODY
who WILL be missed!

GOD BLESS!
     

How many Words Would a Wordsmith Write...if a Wordsmith Knew it was Right?

Wow!
Big Red Words...on this page appearing again! 

I've been called a "wordsmith"...among other things.  I have asked the professionals if I should take on any of those other labels?  You know, OCD, Multiple Personality (now called Disassociative Personality Disorder), Bi-Polar, Chronic Depressive State, General Anxiety Disorder, Acute Anxiety, Narcisism, low self-esteem, Drama Queen (I am partial to this one!), ego-centric, eccentric, paranoid, schizophrenic and the buzz word of the mental health industry: 
 Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome! 
 I KNOW I qualify for that one!

Never mind the labels...we all got 'em!  Or ought to have 'em!!  Once I peeked into the file folder which was accidentally left on the bedside table in the emergency room cubicle where I had landed due to a panic attack!  The doctor had written "hystrionic personality"!!!  (not sure how you spell it...but I know how it feels!)  Tell you what!!!  If he (the doctor) had lived through what I had...he'd find those 2 words in his own medical chart!

Mom used to work for the Iowa State Historical Society...but I loved calling it the "Hysterical Society" based on our family history!! (sorry, Mom!  but we were not strangers to anxiety!)

WORDS are POWERFUL!  In the Book of James in the Bible "it is written" that WORDS contain the power of LIFE AND DEATH! It instructs us to CHOOSE LIFE!
How often do we choose empowering words instead of words that maim and kill...the spirit (our own or someone elses)?

A simple smile can really make somebody's day!  Just this week my friend experienced several situations where words have shocked her, cut her down, and definitely didn't "make her day!"  Sometimes people may think their words are a JOKE...but it's a cruel joke where you are the "Butt" of the joke ...leaving you reeling from the "knife in your gut or your heart!"

How about a so-called "care-giver" who insults you for the "medical predicament" you are in? That category triggers memories of so many stories and examples that I have to leave that for another writing!

Drivers on the road sit in a powerful position of either positive or negative communication. They can choose to smile and wave to another driver as a signal to "go ahead...I'm letting you come out of that driveway"...or "wave the other driver an OK to change lanes"...OR...you can choose to give another driver the middle finger signal...that says...well, you know! 

I have been guilty of "road rage" !!! One time in a traffic tie-up at a construction site...I jumped out of the van my husband was driving...(we were both in our clown suits after a gig) and with my take-out burger in hand...looking like Ronald McDonald's cousin...I ran up to the driver's window of the car behind us (he'd been honking and ranting at Gerry to move out of his way) and I yelled: "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?"  Later, when I came to my senses...after running  back between our van and the angry old guy's car...that he could have smashed my legs or even killed me!!  The two face painters riding with us were so shocked at my behavior that they couldn't finish their fast food meals.  They were my co-workers at a radio station...and they had never seen that side of sweet little "Christy Clown"!  I hadn't either, for that matter!  It took only seconds for my temper and MY WORDS to go from zero to 500 in a second!  The old guy in the car didn't realize that this "happy clown" had just spent 3 hours dealing with pesky parents at a school carnival and I had just enough adrenaline remaining in my system to hop out and let him have it!!!!  It was like a scene from a movie and I'll bet his terrified wife (who sat frozen while I screamed at her husband) still reminds him of their "close call" with that scary clown!

My pastor's wife and choir director found herself in a similar situation one time...minus the cheeseburger!  She was seen and heard spewing some ungodly phrases at a driver while sitting at a stoplight. She hadn't noticed the  member of our congregation who had pulled up to the light in the lane right beside her and witnessed her surprising behavior!  At our next choir rehearsal our dear director began with a prayer and gave her "confession"! Even through her black skin...she appeared to be blushing as she reminded us of how we are to be "witnesses" for Jesus...because we might "be"  the only Jesus some people ever see!  

To this day...I am capable of losing it and hear myself revert back to my old favorite four letter words...(my family never swore...but in show biz the WORDS you get used to hearing and even sharing behind the scenes are nothing to be proud of)

Like my choir director, I quickly catch myself and ask the Lord to forgive me..."Oh, Lord, there I go again...not sounding like a godly woman"!  It reminds me how PETER cursed and claimed he didn't have a clue who Jesus was...the night the Roman soldiers arrested the ONE who came to save us. 

WORDS are GIFTS...but they can be CURSES as in swearing...or CURSES against others or even ourselves. 
I've read books (full of WORDS) about how our bodies and minds believe "everything we say".  Symptoms may appear as a result of the suggestion as we hear about someone's illness.  Fear jumps on us like an attacking bear when certain words are spoken or thoughts enter our minds.  Jesus said: "as a man thinketh in his heart...so shall he be"! We THINK with WORDS!

If a Wordsmith New it was Right...there is no end to the Words he or she might Write!
(so I write this blog and avoid putting the WORDS down to tell my story once and for all...speaking it is SO much easier...because the WORDS are released into the Universe without being captured forever on a page) I've been asked over and over again ...WHY I want to write the stories of my surviving child abuse and a life of struggles to become a VICTOR and not remain a VICTIM....  the stories of of making lemonade out of the lemons...and my answer is always:  "Every time I tell the story (stories) I am celebrating once again...that I didn't end up in a mental institution for life, become a prostitute, alcoholic, drug addict, suicide victim or some other undesirable outcome.

INSTEAD...WORDS...and the other GIFTS/talents/tools I was blessed with...and finally becoming a prodigal daughter and re-discovering the GOD who created me has KEPT ME from the destructive path I might have followed!

I also re-discovered that "best seller" The BIBLE...and I began to re-read HIS WORD as the    "Manufacturer's Manual"!
 (You've likely heard that B. I. B. L. E. stands for:  "Basic Instruction Before Leaving Earth"!)

So you see how WORDS are like WATER...Necessary for LIFE!  BUT BEWARE that they DO NOT KILL!

YOU and I can think of dozens of examples of how WORDS have brought great JOY or caused great HARM.  Just imagine a WORLD where WORDS saved lives...spared disasters...brought PEACE...changed the OUTCOME...or even LED a SOUL to the Saving Grace of knowing JESUS/YESHUA. 
He said, "My sheep hear my voice"....I am hanging on his every WORD!"

Good WORDS TO YOU, my friend...Thanks for joining me on today's Journey. :)

Mom's Passing

Today was the one year anniversary of my Mom's passing on her 92nd birthday...Labor Day 2011.  I didn't know how I'd feel today...of course, sad that I couldn't call her in Salina, Kansas and wish her a Happy Birthday or email Petals Flowers and order her a nice fall bouquet.  It was the first time in my life, in fact, that I couldn't call her or send a card or somehow be in touch on her birthday. 

I think I wrote on fb about the eerie fear that creeps up on me every January in anticipation of my Groundhog Day birthday on February, 2nd.  It must have been the frequency of reading obituaries in the paper and noting that people often do die on their birthdays.  Then MOM did it!  Maybe my fears were "prophetic" about her all the time!
I might add that I am not "ready to go" until I finish writing my testimony book...and I remind myself of that every January as we approach Ground Hog Day!

It may be that I subconsciously postpone writing that project in hopes of delaying the "end".  Silly as that may be...I think the frail human brain...at least mine...does play those kind of games with us.

Mom had had enough suffering with Barrett's Syndrome cancer...and she lived through four years of laser treatments at the Rochester Mayo Clinic...to keep the diseased lesions at bay.  She loved food...but it became impossible to swallow toward the last few months of her life ...and tube feeding was the beginning of the end for her.

Though I had a stormy relationship with my mother...off and on my whole life...she was "MY MOM"...and I miss the phone calls.(even though she often responded in a cranky and disapproving voice to whatever I shared!)  I do great impersonations of her comments...and anybody who knew her says I sound just like her!!
I didn't see much of Mom after she left her 36 year widowhood behind to marry her high school sweetheart when they were both 77.  She asked me to sing at their wedding and I got to visit her in her adopted home in Kansas three times...including attending her joint 90th Birthday Party with my step-dad. 

To Remember Mom's birthday today I called him.  He is a well-known retired realter named Gib Wenger who turned 93 in June... as Mom would have been today.  He still drives...and was heading out for lunch with friends, but he was glad that I called...as were my Dad's two sisters...my Aunt Anita (Nete) in Arizona and Aunt Kas in Iowa. Distance keeps us apart in miles but not in spirit...and with my aunts...the telephone is still "the next best thing to being there".  Their generation and mine...know the value of the human voice connection.  I am thankful to still have the freedom to visit with a few people on the phone rather than only being in touch via the internet.

YET...without the internet I wouldn't be writing this blog!  I protest too much! In case you are reading!

Happy Birthday Mom...the slate is clean...
Love and Peace at last...

Your "unpredictable" and multi-named daughter! 

Rebecca/Becky/Jana/Christy