WHO Would Miss YOU?

WHO WOULD MISS YOU?

The recent two week focus on 100 Huntley Street (Crossroads TV Ministries in Canada) of the tragic surge in teen suicides...has brought back the memories of my own thoughts of taking that action.  The first time I remember ...
I described in my last blog entry...at age 24...when I sat on a 12th story apartment window ledge (inside) and considered jumping because I thougth I was "too bad" to live any longer.  BUT thoughts of my 3 year old (nearly 4) son having to grow up without a mommie...changed my very ill mind...and instead of jumping I landed in the psych ward (for the first time). 

I did another stint in a Canadian psych ward at age 40.  Oddly, my daughter had just turned 4.  What was it about being the mom of a 4 year old...or was that co-incidence?  This time...I had no thought of taking my life...but knew I had to live differently.  My 4th marriage was on the rocks and every day was rocky! Still it took ten more years to make the change that was necessary.  By then I called myself "fifty, fat and finished"!  But it was just the beginning!

 Two days after leaving the psych ward... (after the second 2 week stay in 15 years)  I manaaged to report "on location" for a National Film Board docu-drama about:  YUP! Teenage suicide. I told the director who asked if I was up to the task of playing the mom of a victim... I'd been doing my homework during the past two weeks. I'd met kids in the psych ward who showed me the paddle marks on their chests...(from emergency efforts to revive them ...which thankfully worked in their cases).  I saw burn marks...cut off hair...and very hollow eyes peering out from their pale faces.  Truly, I learned first hand how those kids felt. They seemed to be drawn to me...and one asked the nurses if she could retrieve her curling iron from the lock up where they kept our belongings.  This 15 year old  wanted to do my hair and make me "beautiful".  I have so often wondered what happened to her and the other teens...and if "doing time" in that ward changed their wishes to die?

BUT TODAY...my question is:  "WHO WOULD MISS YOU?
I am a voice teacher and you might be shocked at the songs my students want to sing!  Among the list of bad material is a song with the lyrics..."If I die young...bury me in satin". 
My response to those kids...as young as 7...is "your Mom would be soooo sad to ever think of you dying this young...or before HER!"  But they don't seem to "get it" because they have a dark fascination with death ...as if it is the ultimate drama they could imagine participating in! I fear that many of them have no idea how REAL DEATH IS!

Beyond the tragedy of suicide...what about other misfortunes...accidents...illness...or ...in the case of us grandparents...old age...when the body just wears out!
Or when you've reached the point of no return as a battle weary soldier in this world of woes!

I have had fleeting thoughts of suicide at various stages of life...when I felt too overwhelmed to go on.  HOWEVER...my intense "fear of death" (likely from the hellfire and brimstone preaching I heard when I was growing up in the Methodist church) always "rescued" me.  I needed more time to "get right with God" before I made my departure!!!
Little did I know that there was NO WAY I could ever "get it right" unless I am covered by the blood of the Lamb...the son of God who came to build a bridge back to our creator...by taking on all our wrongs and mistakes and becoming the sacrifice for each of us.  

As a "thinking person"...the whole concept of my Creator making a way for a messed up woman like me to one day live with HIM in such a Holy place as Heaven for all Eternity...by sending Himself in human form to this world to teach us AND provide a substitute for having to pay for my own wrongs...doesn't make sense! This is why Jesus/Yeshua said..."unless you come as a little child...you'll never see the Kingdom".  No wonder I seek to be child-like!
Hopefully, not childISH! 

But...back to the question! Who would miss YOU (ME?)
I am convinced...my late husband, Gerry was right!
He said (paraphrasing Ecclesiastes) "I am like a blade of grass, and when I die, there won't even be a mark where I was"!  We had agreed on "no funeral"...since our families were either far away in miles...or in emotional connections. This proved to be totally true for me after he died...I might as well have died too...because they all disappeared from my life.  My daughter put it so well, "Mom, they said they loved him...but not enough to love the ONE (me, his wife) he loved!"  Gerry believed very FEW would miss him...and even if they did, they couldn't (or wouldn't ) communicate it to me...his widow. Five years later, I am still in shock...that none of his family members and very few of our friends are still in contact with me. IT IS LONELY!  GERRY...YOU WERE RIGHT!

As for YOU? Only YOU would know who would be devastated if the news of your death arrived...(well, realistically it is not IF but WHEN)  Parents?  Kids?  other relatives? co-workers?
church or community folks?  ANYBODY?

As for ME? I can think of only ONE person on the planet whose life would truly be impacted! That's my dear and faithful friend...who has become the "sister" I never had.  She is more a "sister" than any of my 5 sisters-in-law ever were.  My "sister friend"...and I are buddies on the journey of surviving painful childhoods, troubled adult lives...yet we share the joy of writing and clowning. We can make an ordinary day special by keeping company with each other.  We can handle the down times and ride high with the joyful moments!  We share our faith in the God of all Creation and Yeshua/Jesus our rescuer, redeemer and restorer.

AS for the REST OF 'EM?  Well, my kids are so busy they find staying in touch with me ..even by text or telephone...is a burden! I am good for loans or dogsitting...but otherwise...to them I am an obligation!  Thank God, at this point,  I am still an independent woman...working part time...and "coasting" through the "golden years" with an often tarnished attitude!  I can't help but long for a sense of "family"...and I miss the circle of so-called friends or acquaintances (as I've discovered most of them really were) to inter-act with. Some people have managed to keep their families in tact in this society...but those of us with divorces and estrangements (for what ever reasons) are "left behind" to face growing old alone.

When I sang in Care Centers (Centres...for the Canadians)
The nurses told me how important our visits were for the patients.  Apparently, many old folks never have a visitor...no family...no friends...and they live out their last days in isolation...other than what the facility provides for activities and companionship.  However, these lonely seniors are either too ill physically or mentally to care! 
Yet, I've seen them "come to life" with the music...tears, foot tapping, smiles, mouthing the words...trying to sing along with voices long ago stilled by sadness or dementia.

Would ANYBODY Miss me?   YES, for a few hours, or days, or maybe even weeks...but then life goes on for the living...and they won't mourn for long!  That's the way it is...when you're gone...out of sight...out of mind!  Unless you are a Michael Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, Princess Diana...etc.  You won't be remembered!  Graveyards are full of fancy headstones displaying names of people who once meant something to somebody...but not any more. Few even have time to refresh the wreaths on those final "resting places".   

STILL, PEOPLE ARE PAYING BIG BUCKS to put memoriums in the newspaper...even 25 or 50 years later...to tell the world they haven't forgotten their loved one.  This indicates there are still those who DO remember and they are willing to pay those big bucks to express their feelings in the newspaper.  Death continues to be the source of Life for many end of life businesses!

Did you ever hear someone say "I GET to go to a funeral?"
NO...they say: "I HAVE to go to a funeral!"  For this reason funerals are being replaced by "Celebrations of Life"!  I like that idea!  I had a private celebration of Gerry's life the day after he died to accommodate his daughter's plane reservation back to Ontario the following morning.  It was quick and tidy...complete with short speeches, my son-in-law read the 23rd Psalm for "GER" and fighting tears he added the comment that Gerry accepted him in spite of his "rough edges"  It was one of the lighter moments allowing us a chance for smiles and laughter. A pastor friend delivered an altar call sermon which irritated my kids and there were songs sung and played including one of Gerry's favorite tracks from my CD "He's Been Faithful To Me".  A few people sent lovely bouquets to decorate the room and the photo table and about 3 dozen of us shared tears and hugs. Then it was over! I never saw any of Gerry's Alberta family members again...nor did I continue to receive anymore e-mails or  phone calls from his family in Quebec, British Columbia or Ontario...that includes his daughter.  She has since given birth to a daughter and a son...and I do not expect to ever meet them. You were right, Gerry...when it's over it's over...for me too!
It was only "Till Death do us part!"

Don't bury me in satin! The whole casket thing creeped Gerry and me out...and the cost of traditional funerals is outrageous!  I spent more on Gerry's  obituary than the cost of his cremation. I have set aside an account to cover my own cremation...and for an obituary which I'll likely have to write myself...for the Edmonton Journal. 
My parents and grandparents are dead...my kids are occupied...and other than my "sister friend"...everybody is just too busy! So anything that matters... is NOW! I used to say to Gerry: "If they don't have time for you while you are alive...they sure won't miss you when you're gone!" 
 "you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free"...(but it may be painful)!

Back to Zorba the Greek who sang "Life is what you do while you're waiting to die"!  I have sung that lyric many times as a response to frustration with life situations.  It has brought laughter most times...but when I've sung it privately it's accompanied by tears!  Another song...a Burt Bacharach favorite from my old nightclub act asked the question: "What's it all about, Alfie?"  I still have no answer to that question but I still love the song!  (and I am still asking)

Who would miss YOU?  I hope there is somebody or even a whole lot of somebodys...who would grieve...mourn...AND CELEBRATE YOUR LIFE!  You came here with a PURPOSE...I hope you fulfill it...enjoy  it...are blessed and being a blessing!  If not yet...and you are still alive...and reading this: GO FOR IT!  DO SOMETHING to BE SOMEBODY
who WILL be missed!

GOD BLESS!